Jokes Thread

[Outlaw]

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our
supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can
handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't
have to do S.H.I.T . anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Thank you for your time.



Sincerely,
DIRECTOR UNDER THE MAIN BUREAU OF SUPER
HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(The "D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.")

[xVader]

OMG!! nice one man.. really ROFLing in here.. its been 2 minutes or more but I am still ROFLing.. Nice one Outlaw... Really.. Hats off to S.H.I.T ..

[Outlaw]

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, give your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.

Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges M230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......

[xVader]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my a**!"

[tuntematon]

Er... im pretty sure we have some kids running around in the forum ....

[Outlaw]

>.<"

so must post soft jokes........ ok, tq mod

[xVader]

Oops sorry, Anyways, wasn't it funny lolz :P

[punjabi]

good one (^_^)

[Davion]

"Yeah! voodoo D**k my A*s" hahahaha..of da whole story, only this line make me laugh gd 1 bloodlust!

[Antidote]

Banta had recently purchased a new computer with Microsoft Windows as the O/S and was unhappy with the same and writes a letter to Bill Gates, regarding the same.

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child has learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer' when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Regards,
Banta